To live by the seasons is to re-invent yourself every three months like clock work, while leaving *just* enough room for the universe to surprise you.
The summer solstice aligning with the first day of Cancer season just feels so right, I read somewhere that Cancer season is special because it’s when the sun will have to answer to the moon. Cancer’s planetary ruler…things like this remind me that there are endless amounts of synchronicities around us at all times, if you just pay attention a little closer than usual- you’ll be able to spot them. I’m always in a soft state of noting and observing, a curious person. Maybe I search for a deeper meaning by default. I can feel my summer essence loading and preparing to turn my spring self into the warmer, fuller, more vibrant version of me. I tend to feel softer in the spring and emerge sultrier in the summer. Sometimes it feels like changing with the seasons is the only thing I know how to do, I feel grounded in that way.
entering a new romance portal
Earlier this week I was feeling uncomfortably hot as the temperatures in Florida rose to no end. I saw myself becoming irritable because of it. In an effort to find the silver lining, I said to myself “Maybe summer is about learning how to fall in love with the sun.” I could wear less makeup, carry a big ice cold water with me everywhere, seek out bodies of water to spend time at, buy popsicles, tan, invite a friend on a sunset ice cream walk, wear tinier clothes, and try something new with my hair to keep it off of my back for once. The truest form of love is consideration, sometimes it takes a lot more effort than you think to make things work. Summer and I may only have a situationship going for three months out of every year, but I think it’s worth it to make the most of even the shortest flings while you can. I heard that all good things must come to an end.
I’m falling in love with my solitude, finally. I’m staring directly into the void where my capacity for romantic love once lived and imagining all the ways that I could fill it up with love for myself and the sweet souls that occupy my life. I feel so new here, like I have a chance to start over and be not what I should be but what I can be. It’s romantic, learning myself and how to love her. Becoming aware of all the blind spots that I never saw before, they’re humbling but refreshing realizations. I used to almost shy away from confronting myself and now I start to feel worried if I don’t. How sweet is it to be able to reinvent yourself as many times as you please? No one ever has to stay the same, but not everyone remembers that part. It’s a virtue that I feel like we should all hold close to our hearts. You’re never stuck, just very comfortable in the discomfort. Jaded by the rules. It’s so lovely to adapt, to surprise ourselves over and over again. I think that’s the thrill of being alive and the root of where lust for life is born.
sexy is an aura not a physicality
I’m not fully sure how to word this but I’ll try my best. Admittedly, a lot of this is still a mystery to me that’s only just begun to unravel in my mind. Somehow I stopped being so obsessed with my body image this year. The old me was so afraid to be seen, I felt almost embarrassed of what I looked like. It felt like other women had this level of natural beauty that only I never possessed. The odd one out. There was something so effortless about them and I couldn’t have resonated less with that. I’ve always been heavily routine oriented, I can fall into being an anxious person and rituals make me feel so much more at ease. I’m the long skincare routine, hour long shower, lymphatic drainage massage, sleep on my back, affirmations in the mirror, supplement taking, facial getting kind of girl. It upset me to realize that after all of that I still wasn’t as perfect as I expected to be. The first sign of an unrealistic expectation being forced on myself by no one else but me. All of that effort just to feel like I still missed the mark…until I shifted.
I’ve had a rough 14 months. Very specific I know, but it’s the truth. During this time so many traumatic life events occurred that I genuinely think that one of the silver linings was gaining a grounded perspective even though it came by chaotic means- I find the universe’s sense of humor amusing and whimsical. I became so preoccupied with healing my mind and spirit that in turn, I couldn’t care less about what I looked like. I wanted so desperately to feel joy that my physical appearance and all the insecurities that came with it- simply slipped my mind. I had bigger fish to fry. I still do all the beauty rituals in the world and I swear I look the exact same but now my mindset has evolved to the sweeter side.
I realized that what’s beautiful about my being is not rooted in what I look like, it’s the way I feel about myself. I feel grateful for my mobility and the way my body allows my soul to use it as a vessel to explore our world. When I’m alone during the mornings and nights I perform songs and dances like I’m a pop star on stage, I stretch because when I was little I dreamed of being able to do a split one day, I refuse to cut my hair because I feel like it’s a separate entity that holds wisdom. Being kind to myself mentally has shown me more of my beauty than physical changes ever have. I like that I started doing things because they felt good not because they looked good. In my mind, beauty stems from the amount of love and thoughtfulness you put into your decisions. The “why” reflects on the outside. These days I honestly feel sexy because I know that as looks are doomed to fade for each and every one of us, a gentle heart will simply never lose it’s sex appeal.
Aura is forever.
it’s okay not to know
I can’t help but get ahead of myself, I think long-game and I’m already wondering where I’ll be in September when the summer makes her timely exit. When I think about my near future, I just can’t imagine it clearly enough. My imagination is usually on 100 at all times so maybe this means that the present is where my attention is needed the most. I’ve gotten quite used to uncertainty if i’m honest, I guess that could be why I’m feeling so brave lately. My fears are dissipating as I learn that life is about riding the waves when you suddenly realize that you can’t wrangle them like you wish you could. I know that good things are bound to happen, and the lows are never low in stock. So where will I find my middle ground and what will that feel like for me exactly?
There’s so many unanswered questions floating around my brain all the time but sometimes I feel like an answer isn’t even what I’m searching for. It’s more of a feeling and that’s what I’m measuring my life by these days. I’ll ask myself “Am I feeling the things I want to feel and if not how can I get there using what I have right now?”Just trying to be resourceful and not freak out about how up in the air this life can be. It’s okay not to know what’s next or why something happened or what you even want in the moment. Sometimes all I’ve got in me is a deep breath and a craving for dinner, simple stuff.
My one dream for summer is to get my shit together and live in the moment, two things that I know will make me feel at peace. Letting go seems to be a big theme for me, just releasing literally everything. I saw a quote somewhere that said “Everything I’ve let go of has claw marks on it” I don’t want to be like that anymore. I feel better letting the ebb and flow guide my life without my heavy interference, what would I know that the universe doesn’t? It’s been here so much longer than me, trust makes me feel lighter.
sealing this with a virtual kiss.
& as always, thank you so much for reading.
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