Another never ending realization that like most things, softness is a double edged sword.
I remember the exact moment when I was at the dentists office and my x-rays showed 5 cavities glaring right back at me, revealing my insatiable sweet tooth and lack of self-discipline. That was the first time I made the connection that no matter how sweet things are, there will be consequences. This was always a hard concept for me to grasp. I thought that if I carried myself in a grounded way and contributed to the world from a place of love and good intentions, that I would receive those same energies in return. Not to be confused with doing good things for a reward, I just thought that maybe the world would be a little easier on me if I was easier on it. A reciprocal relationship where no one has to get hurt more than normal, you can probably guess that I became extremely disappointed in the reality of life. I couldn’t help but wonder, do good girls finish last?
raimi (ray·me)
a compassionate person, fond, possesses a loving nature, tenderness.
softness comes at a cost
I wonder if our names really have an effect on who we turn out to be, when I found out the meaning of mine I started believing in that theory more and more. Now I look up what everyone’s name means. Maybe names are like spells…Anyways, I was born a gentle being. I never want to fight and I always want to play, a recovered people pleaser with remnants of the habit on a cellular level, and somewhere in the background of my mind I’m reflecting on if my non-combative personality is a trauma response in a stubborn effort to find peace in this life after a lot of what I like to call “Big Bad’s”. Also known as, those shitty life events that change your brain chemistry forever. Noting that I am non-combative yet painfully honest and upfront about my feelings, emotionally slutty if you will. I can’t help but tell people how they’re making me feel. I clawed my way out of cancer’s grip as well as the suffocation of many perfect storm relationships for a lot of my early life, so now I’m in a place where I can finally start to see myself clearly. Seeing who I am without all the fog, my sense of direction is returning with every day spent in my solitude.
I came to the conclusion that my yearning for a safe place to rest my wings correlates directly with my relentlessly soft approach to life, be the energy you want to see in the world kind of thing. I feel like I’ve definitely been blessed with my fair share of extra love, care, and kindness reflected back to me. Which I’m endlessly grateful for but just as much as I feel loved, I feel so equally hated.
story time / light attracts darkness
I always say that I don’t care what people think of me and that’s still true, but it doesn’t mean that my stomach doesn’t turn for days after being criticized unfairly. Last weekend I went to a baseball game in Detroit, Michigan. I’m not a sports girl but my family booked the tickets so I went in an Alice Cullen from Twilight’s baseball scene kind of way. Honestly, I was so excited to have an excuse to cosplay “sports fan” and wear a cute outfit like it was a halloween costume. I had so much fun, I didn’t realize how much there was to do and eat at these games. Mid-game I realized I had the perfect opportunity to get some cute photos since the entire section of seats next to us were empty. Us girls: My sister, my two cousins, and I all went over there to take advantage of the photo-op on my little digital camera that’s always floating around my mini purse.
I’m not scared of taking photos where people can see me, so I had fun with it as my little sister got some shots of me. Next thing you know, I’m having an experience that transported me right back to the trenches of middle school. Four rows of middle schoolers from the section that I was sitting in start yelling:
"Sit the f*ck down dumb b*tch this is not the place for pictures”
“You’re ugly as f*ck!”
Amongst other things, they’re laughing at me and being relentless about it. I still took my time knowing that I wasn’t obstructing the view, my biggest crime was being brave enough to not feel embarrassed about capturing memories. I can’t lie it really stung but I tried to look unfazed in the moment. I always find myself in these kind of situations where people are judging me harshly for no good reason. These reoccurring moments always bring me back to the same question, what did I do to deserve that? It’s almost worse that the answer is nothing because that means that no amount of love spreading or good track records would save me from the wrath of mean people. No matter how much confidence I’ve collected on my journey, I’m still all of those sensitive and hurt versions of myself somewhere deep down inside. At the end of the day, I never want to make myself small just to make other people comfortable. Mostly because I did that for a lot of my life, knowing that I’ve been susceptible to that kind of behavior makes me take an even stronger stance. My soul genuinely never wants to stoop that low again.
angel lesson #4444: Just because you’re doing a good thing for yourself, doesn’t mean that everyone will be happy for you. It could be triggering for some, as it makes people’s skin crawl to see others do things that they are too scared to do themselves. The more light you have, the more people will try to steal it. Guard your heart.
GUT FEELINGS ARE GUARDIAN ANGELS
God is in your gut. I noticed that guidance is always available to me if I allow myself to get quiet enough to receive it. A regulated nervous system makes it easier to tell the difference between anxiety and that gut feeling intuition. I should really get back to meditating this summer, maybe we all should. My gut is telling me to shed the layers that don’t serve me anymore, no matter how much warmth they provide. With summer right around the corner I have a good feeling that I’ll be just fine with less on. I look forward to the day when I truly stop taking things to heart. I always remind myself of one of my favorite books The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The second agreement being “Don’t take Anything Personally.” Nothing is really 100% about us, Judgement is more of a projection of the person who’s giving it. Comforting in a way but it also makes me sad that people have been pushed to the point where spreading negativity feels effortless and justified. At the end of the day, I yearn for everyone’s healing and maybe that’s my downfall. A deep dive for another time.
Sometimes I feel like my main mission in life is to not become bitter because of my negative experiences. I’m scared of losing who I am at my core just to protect myself from getting hurt. I’d rather keep my light while protecting myself with armor that doesn’t drag me down. Maybe we don’t have to fall victim to our worlds evil plan to harden us all. I know that softness and vulnerability can be perceived as the easiest way to get hurt. But what if we could have both? The ability to protect ourselves in a way that preserves our light instead of turning it off all together. Softness often gets correlated with naivety but a lot of us know that it takes strength and skill to be open to the good things the world has to offer while knowing all the bad exists. If there’s the same probability for good to come of things as there is for the bad, why not give optimism a fair chance…Will you be jaded by your fears and get comfortable in the safety of guardedness or be willing open up the door even without knowing what’s on the other side? The choice will always be yours, so have compassion for yourself. After thinking about it, I don’t think good girls finish last at all. They just tend to have to learn things the hard way for one reason or another.
sending love to wherever you are.
& thank you so much for reading.
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This post puts into words perfectly of how I’ve been feeling lately🫶🏻 there’s been so many times where I’ve been told I’m too sensitive or I’m too nice but it’s so amazing to be able to feel all my feelings entirely !!